Pride and Ego

One of the unpleasant things I've learned about myself in the last two weeks is just how large my ego is. I promised myself that I would leave my pride outside when I went into Crossfit, but it's difficult to do when doing so simultaneously shatters the illusions about myself. Like many, I generally believe myself capable of handling any contingency that comes my way. And, like many, I'm wrong. Were I to find myself hanging from a tree branch or a roof, I would be unable to hold my own weight. I would fall and suffer whatever fate awaited me. Why? Because I am not strong enough to hold up my own weight.

Then, there is the pushup. I am barely capable of doing ten "modified" pushups. A modified pushup is what I, in less enlightened times, called a "girl pushup"; knees on the floor, body straight, hands shoulder width apart. I hate that I have to do these, but I accept that they must be done. Rather than wallow in my shame, I embrace it. I accept myself as I am, and I look forward to what I will be.

I have the power to change.

Nutrition, Step 1

One of the things that I've come to realize is that my diet is crap. I eat too much of the wrong things. To change that, I've had to make some profound changes in my way of thinking and in my diet. First, portions must become smaller. Second, less grain-based food and more protein and vegetables. Also, Dr. Kimberly Bahr has recommended some vitamin supplements from NutraMetrix. I started them this week, so it's too early to tell if there is any change, but I'm fairly certain they can't hurt.

Also, working out is going well. The workouts are grueling, but I usually feel great a couple of hours afterwards. Until then, I feel like a wet rag.

Spots

Today was my second day working out at Black Hills Crossfit. Despite my misgivings, they pushed me to the limit without pushing me too far. The people there are all very supportive. They all seem to know what I'm going through since they started there, too. It's almost like a support group without the group hugs.

I was happy just to get through the "dumbed down" version of the workout of the day. The funny thing is, I find myself wanting to do it again.


Tomorrow.

The Journey Begins

     Welcome.

I started this blog for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is to keep myself accountable to the task I've undertaken. In the interest of full disclosure, let me give you some stats on me: I'm 49 years old, I weigh 311 pounds, I have Type 2 Diabetes, and, like many Americans, I work too many hours, eat too much, and move too little. That brings me to the point of this blog; I am going to lose 100 pounds.

I have fought the "Battle of the Bulge" my entire life. The only time I can remember being in what I consider good shape was when I was in the Army. During that brief period of being in shape, I weighed about 215 pounds and could still have lost a few pounds to go from "in shape" to "in phenomenal shape". Other than that, it's been a (losing) battle to control my weight. Unfortunately, I have 3 major factors against me:

1. Genetics. Pretty much everyone in my family is carrying around too much weight. All of my relatives are Diabetic, and they all suffer from poor diets and lack of exercise. Diabetes is a progressive disease and while I know I can't beat it, I believe I can hold the line against it for a couple of decades. Regardless, I will fight the fight for as long as I am able.
2. Food. I love to eat. I'm a pizzaholic. To me, pizza is a lot like sex; when it's done right, it is AWESOME! When it isn't done right, it's still pretty good. Plus, I grew up in a Sicilian family. Food is huge among Sicilians. The dinner table is where the family congregated and talked about their day, fought, made up, yelled at, and loved each other. And there was food. Lots of it. To go to a Sicilian household is to virtually guarantee that you're going to eat. And you'd better eat a lot. You're on a diet? Not when you walk into a Sicilian house! There will be meat, pasta, salad, and dessert. Food is love, and comfort, and a way to share your wealth. That brings us to another aspect; food is also a way to make one feel better. I can remember my grandmother cooking my favorite dish to make whatever childhood drama I was suffering through diminish. So I have an unhealthy connection to food.
3. Age and decrepitude. I've put this body through a lot of abuse. Jumping out of airplanes, martial arts, 8 years of midnight shifts, back injuries, neck injuries, substance abuse, and on and on. Largely because of these things, I can't workout in a conventional fashion anymore. Heavy weightlifting leaves my joints in agony for days and, at 311 pounds, running is out of the question.

So, those are the obstacles in my way. However, I have enlisted what I think are some powerful allies in this fight. The first is Bahr Chiropractic Wellness Center. Owned and operated by Dr. Kimberly Bahr, it's a place where the focus is on total wellness as opposed to treating just one symptom or problem. Dr. Bahr will be advising me on nutrition and vitamin supplements that will complement the medications I have been prescribed by my Endocrinologist.

The next ally is Black Hills Crossfit. The Crossfit philosophy is to exercise utilizing movements that you do every day anyway. If you check out their videos, you'll see what they're about. To be honest, for the first time in my life, I'm intimidated. These people are waaay ahead of me in their journeys and frankly, it's an uncomfortable feeling to walk into a place where all of the women are more than capable of kicking my ass. BUT, my discussion with the owner, Justin Perkins, has convinced me that Crossfit will meet me where I'm at and bring me along.

The next, and probably most important allies, are my friends, family, and anyone reading this blog. I've got to be frank, I've started stuff before and haven't followed through. At this stage of my life, I look back at the half-finished and incomplete things I've abandoned and I'm not too proud of it. It's become a pattern in my life and I want to break out of it. Any and all advice will be appreciated, even if I don't follow it all.  

Then there is the fear of the unknown. For instance, nutrition: As the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20,
 "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰ you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body."
Well, I haven't treated my body like a temple, I've treated it more like a garbage dump. So, I need to explore some possibilities with changing my diet to maximize my efforts at the gym. One thing I've discovers already is that the traditional food pyramid that the government has been promoting since I was a kid is almost 100% wrong. Now I have to figure out what's right. Remember my love affair with food? Changing my diet probably means giving up a bunch of things that I love, like Mexican food, Italian food, Asian food, and pizza. A life of eating bland, tasteless food is not something I look forward to, but the alternative is continued obesity and all of the baggage that brings with it.

In any case, I will be updating my progress at least once a week, more if anything significant happens. The secret now is to overcome my fear of change and take my ego out of the equation and just do the work.